The new Intimate

The New Intimate ( Anamika Chatterjee, 23^rd March ) made interesting reading  no doubt  but whoever believed that marital unions were fairy tales was living in a fool’s paradise . I do not pretend to be an expert on the topic but reality is what a marriage is all about.

Agree that having and raising a child are important milestones in a relationship and there could be problems galore along the way but rather than treat them as pitfalls, if we considered them pit stops, a lot of the perceived heartache would automatically be dissipated.

It is difficult to agree with Mathew Johnson . Supposedly, researchers have concluded that relationships suffer once kids come along. In lighter vein – when one is not sure – just say it has been researched!

The dynamics will definitely change says the research! – But then isn’t that stating the obvious? One extra chess piece on the board does throw things out of sync for a while but once things have been ironed out, the game can continue as usual.

With the feeding, crying, changing nappies, schooling, cajoling, and other mundane tasks that marriages entail, there definitely will be a strain at times. Arguments, disagreements and tears are inevitable.  However taking a heavy toll on a relationship is definitely at the other end of the spectrum. Don’t forget – its two adults , often with different personalities, backgrounds  and aims in life that have been joined together in matrimony and if you add in the ‘ arranged marriages’  then that’s another ball game altogether.

If anything, I have seen kids bringing spouses closer together and saving marriages. In the end, it’s all about expectations . If you expect your marriage to pan out without hiccups, you are expecting the moon .There are bound to be squabbles ,  issues and snares but nothing so drastic that cannot be worked out amicably.

What actually really separates contented couples from those in deep marital misery is a healthy balance between their positive and negative feelings and actions toward each other.

Volatile couples, for example, stick together by balancing their frequent arguments with a lot of love and passion. Others throw in the towel believing all is lost .

. I have seen a large number of couples  equating  a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim "we never fight" is a sign of marital health.

But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That is how we become people that are more loving and truly experience the fruits of marriage.

Rather than blame kids , I would say that marriages require care , time, mutual appreciation , love ,  respect   , fun and energy to be nurtured . Immaturity, irrational behavior, ego,   resentment, blame, putting self before ‘couple’, and lies can  ruin a marriage.

Leave alone marriage, for anything to work involving human relationships, a lot depends on how much you put in and the same with marriage .