On closing a bank account

 

Have you ever OPENED a bank account? Yes, I know that is a stupid question, but bear with me.

Have you ever CLOSED a bank account?

Now this is something all or many of you may or may not have had the necessity to do.

Well- I had decided to  transfer to a different bank, and I will not name and shame, but here goes.

First and foremost, something pretty stupid happened and although I am not proud of it, let me share a few details, for the benefit of the reader, as everyone is entitled to a laugh, especially during this horrid pandemic.

 I was so engrossed in the ‘closing account business’, and mighty exasperated with the bank who I had been trying to call, in vain, for three days, that I took a wrong turn, went into an underpass, came out in the middle of a busy market   and hence never got to the main branch, I was planning to visit. I felt like a dope for goofing up so badly.

Now, rather far from my original destination, and not desiring to get lost again, I decided to go to a smaller branch, in the Mall of the Emirates which, although in the opposite direction, was somewhere I was confident of getting to – there is only one straight road!

The MOE as it is referred to, is a very large mall, hence, on reaching the entrance, I switched on ‘Google maps’, so that I would not have to wander about like a lost sheep.

 You would probably have guessed it by now – I am dreadful with any sort of directions and often get lost. Lest I forget to mention - I always ensure that I click a photograph or two of the parking areas – there is a number and an alphabet on the columns. I once spent over forty-five minutes searching for my car close to midnight. When I did find it, it was on a different level altogether, and there were just a few cars left to leave! If you are not from the UAE, then please don’t laugh or mock- these malls & parking lots are humungous and have two or three identical looking levels.

 This multi-level shopping mall currently features more than 630 retail outlets, 7900 parking spaces, over 100 restaurants and cafés, 80 luxury stores and 250 flagship stores. It has a total gross leasable area of 255,489 square meters. Hence you can imagine the footfall, especially on weekends! And this is not the largest. The Dubai mall parking lot can accommodate 14,000 cars!

No, I am not a drifter or disoriented or any such thing – it’s just that map reading and me are not synonymous.

Anyway, I am digressing - I did ask a security guard for assistance but he was as clueless as I was. Google maps to the rescue, and in a few minutes, I was at the bank. I got myself a customer token- saw that there were just three people ahead of me, and felt chuffed. The tentative waiting time was just twenty minutes. Not sure how they came up with that calculation- but fine.

Anyway, it was soon my turn. Full credit to the young lady who was assisting me. She was professional, very helpful and efficient.

 As my online banking had given up on me ages ago, I had to use the phone banking in order to identify myself. She helped me to connect. That took about ten minutes. Then the man at the other end of the line asked me to answer ‘secret questions’ which I had chosen twenty years ago. I presume, except for my name, I got all the answers wrong the first-time round, and had to start all over again. By now I had thought things over and so I passed the test with flying colours. The question I probably flunked was, ‘Name your best friend’. Not sure who it was in 2001, when I opened the account! Nevertheless, after I gave him my passport and Emirates ID numbers, he was convinced it was me.

She then gave me two forms to fill in, to close the accounts but I had to clear the balance on my credit card first. While that should have been a breeze, it ended up being a tornado. The first machine, in the bank itself, refused to accept my Debit card while the other, a few meters away, would not let me enter the card number after eight digits. Shaking her head in utter disbelief she said ‘no problem’.

Back to the bank and I was advised to call the Call center from the phone on the desk. Thirty-five minutes later, I was still on hold being told that I was a ‘valued premier customer and they were happy to be of assistance’. I was also intimated that the call would be recorded for training purposes!    Thoroughly frustrated, I disconnected and made a call on my mobile, only to get through   on the first ring.

By now I was pretty discomfited and at the end of my tether, and when told that I would have to identify myself by answering secret questions, I nearly screamed into the phone. However, better sense prevailed, and I survived that part of the ordeal. I was then taken though Account details, interest accrued, money to be deducted towards Credit card payments and what have you etc. I was asked when I had last used the ATM, and how much I had withdrawn. Also, what amount had been last deposited in my account and what my official address was.    All this after I had already identified myself. Then came the signing of the forms I had filled in, and as expected, my signature only tallied after three attempts. Checking details in the form I had filled in came next. With my sixteen-digit account number followed by another ‘IBAN’ number, with umpteen digits and any number of zeros one after the other, I nearly went cross-eyed!

The lady saw that I was rather upset and pointing to the machine, offered me coffee. It is a beverage I do not drink, but I knew she was just trying to be kind, so I said ‘yes please’ while attempting a halfhearted smile. It embarrassed her no end when the machine did not work- It also displayed ‘no sugar and milk’!

Finally, after spending about two hours in the bank, and her finding some solutions, I walked out a free man, with the account still open! While I was struggling to close my account, about ten other customers came in, finished their work and walked out. Not sure if the planets had decided to gang up against me that day.

Yesterday morning the bank called me, to tell me that I had transferred my money out of their bank and that the balance was nil – this was against policy. They informed me that now I would not be able to use my debit and credit cards as they had been temporarily blocked.

When I told them that I wanted them permanently blocked and cancelled, they told me, very politely   to visit the branch.  If I wanted to start that process online, they would first have to verify if it was me, and for that I would have to answer a set of secret questions.

I nearly fainted.