I am not a handyman

 I am not a Handyman. That being said – let me proceed. 

 Now I am not some lazy jobless oaf – I would like to think that I am talented and doing okay in life. It is just that when you put me into situations that require a certain skill set, I just back away and leave it to the “so-called” professionals. 

Am I embarrassed about it?  No way! In fact, I am smiling while keying in this article with two fingers on my trusted keyboard. 

So let me start at the beginning and paint the picture. 

I remember attending “Craft” classes in school. We had a great teacher, a large craft laboratory and plenty of tools. We were all made to purchase a piece of wood from school – two square feet in size and about three quarters of an inch thick. Not too sure, what we had to make but one thing is definite – I made nothing. Period after period I used a file and kept filing the piece of wood on all four sides. The year ended and my piece of wood was reduced to half its size. It was glossy and smooth but that is it. 

Many of my classmates’ excelled in carpentry. Words like Chalk line, Framing Square, chisel, claw hammer, pliers and nail gun were used frequently. Then there were screws & nails of varied length and thickness, wooden plugs of various sizes, sand paper of various grades & glossy varnish.

 During the final week before the exhibition, there was frantic work all around. Soon some pupils had produced small bookshelves; others had created beautiful boxes and a few elegant corner stands on which something known as a fret saw had been used for carving. I admired their skill and dexterity.

On the day we were called upon to display what we had made, I absented myself for obvious reasons! Not too sure if I was conspicuous by my absence or even if, they displayed my well-filed piece of wood.  I never ever found it! Even today, carpentry is anathema to me. I must add that I have painted a few doors and windows at home but did not do a very good job. The less said about assembling anything from Ikea- the better!

Then there is sound and light – both of which I know precious little about. I love music and played in a band for a number of years but someone else always did all the connections.   Some people in the world love tinkering and are good at it. I am not . 

Give them an iron that over heats   a washing machine that has a water filling problem ,  a fridge with a fused bulb  ,  mixers or a toasters that do  not work,  a music system where one speaker is louder than the other, a fan where the blades refuse to turn or a television that is blinking  and they are in their elements. 

Here is a scene, which I have been a part of quite often. Something is not working in the house and I am on the verge of exasperation – then Mr. Handyman walks in at the opportune moment - the saviour to the rescue!

The moment you tell these people that  something is not working and you want it to be repaired ,  their  eyes light up and in the same breath they  ask – like they always do- for my  toolbox. 

Okay let me put it out there – I do not possess a tool box- I never have - I do not need one for goodness sake. Last Christmas I almost bought one but then better sense prevailed. 

I do possess a hammer and a few screwdrivers in some draw or the other but I can never find them when most needed.  If you know repair people, you will understand that they can manage very well without toolboxes. They are usually carrying a mini screwdriver and a tester on their key ring & they can, within minutes, have any item open. 

They then proceed to stare at the innards and hum a tune while doing so and I stare too, just willing the item to function as normal   again . They then get to work – ripping wire with their teeth, loosening and tightening screws, blowing and removing the dust. From time to time, I am asked to produce or just hold on to screws, nails, wire, a fuse, a circuit or some other part and I do so willingly. I look on in admiration 

The guy looks as if he knows what he is doing- very confident indeed.  The biggest joke is that there is a running commentary on what is wrong, how it is a minor glitch and how it is being repaired, most of which I do not understand. 

I do keep my fingers crossed because there are some who are over confident. They open the item and cannot put it back together again.  

However usually, depending on the condition of the damaged item, it is soon repaired & ready to be tested. Now if you pay close attention to these people you will observe that they always insist on testing these electric items with the electric switch on! I consider this uncalled for either bravado or downright insanity. 

They poke and prod with the tester and at times, sparks fly but it bothers them in the least. I must add here , that on a few occasions I have tried using a tester to see if there was a leak in current and I have received quite a bad shock. I have worn rubber slippers, stood on a rubber mat and been as careful as possible, in vain.

Vehicles are another pain. Luckily, in Dubai, we hardly have breakdowns but if we did, I would be at a loss as to what had to be done. Yes, you guessed it right. I cannot change a tire or repair anything that may go wrong under the bonnet. Do not ask me about the number of cylinders, the combustion chamber, the piston rings, the gear lever, the vibration damper, the crankshaft or the bearings. Someone once showed me how to fill air in the tire and I think I would manage that if push comes to shove. I drive fairly well and that is good enough for me. 

I could go on but then this article would show me in poorer light than it already is doing, so I will end here. 

There is a well-known saying, “If you want something fixed well, then do it yourself”. I guess it was written for people other than me!