On having difficult conversations

 ON HAVING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS 

 I've worked in schools for over 40 years—more than 30 of those in leadership—and I’ve had the privilege of learning from some of the best. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that giving feedback is not easy. I struggled with it in the early years—avoided the conversation, softened the message too much, or left it too late. But over time, I’ve come to see it as one of the most important parts of leadership. And I’ve grown to take a quiet pride in doing it well.

I’ve had to hold many difficult conversations—often with people I see every single day. That’s what makes it challenging. How do you tell someone they’re underperforming, being nasty ,not contributing enough, or creating friction in the team—especially when you genuinely like them?

In schools, the stakes are even higher. Our work affects many lives. When we let problems linger, students pay the price. Morale dips. Culture suffers. But when done right, a difficult conversation can clear the air, rebuild trust, and help people grow. It's a win win situation for all 

I’ve found that it’s better to have the conversation and get it over and done with , than let it fester. Otherwise, it plays on your mind. I’ve given tough feedback—even the “final” kind—to people I deeply valued. They took it reasonably well, and we’re still in touch today. That, to me, is the hallmark of a well-handled conversation. 

You address the issue—not the person. And once it’s done, you move on. I’ve even had tea with the same colleague afterwards, chatting about everything else under the sun.

It really comes down to who you are and how you’re perceived. Are you someone known to maintain high standards? Do you practice what you preach? People will accept feedback from someone they respect—especially when they know it’s coming from a place of care and fairness, not ego, irritation or anger .

Body language plays a key role too. I’ve seen feedback given with grimaces, dramatic sighs, hands on hips, or condescending tones—and, unsurprisingly, it didn’t go well. Equally, I’ve seen perfectly reasonable feedback rejected because it came from someone who wasn’t trusted or respected. It cuts both ways.

Be clear. Be kind. Be direct. If someone’s showing up late, say so. If they’re always seen checking their messages on their phones, or if they are disengaged in meetings, address it. Don’t delay and dance around the issue—it only makes it harder. People aren’t mind readers.

I once had to tell a colleague—someone I genuinely liked—that their attitude at work was affecting the team. I was honest and firm, but respectful. To their credit, they took it well. A few weeks later, the change was obvious—and appreciated.

Another time, I addressed a younger leader's lack of engagement in team meetings. She wasn’t adding value and was visibly disinterested. I framed it around professionalism, not personality. Once she understood the impact, she made the effort to improve.

Here are some essentials to improve how we give feedback:

Focus on common goals: Emphasize shared objectives, such as working better as a team & improving student outcomes.

Be precise: Use clear, concrete examples rather than vague judgments. Avoid jargon 

Mind your non-verbal cues: Your tone and body language speak as loudly as your words.

Close with action: Always agree on specific next steps to ensure progress.

Follow up : Check in from time to time till you are sure that your expectations are being met 

Is giving feedback a science or an art? Probably a little of both. The science explains how the brain responds to perceived threat or clarity. The art lies in the timing, tone, and knowing when to stop talking.

Let’s not sugar-coat it—appraisals and feedback meetings can be stressful for both parties, but handled with honesty and empathy, they build stronger teams, not weaker ones.

In the end, difficult conversations are part of leadership—and life and they are unavoidable . What matters is how you have them… and how you carry yourself after. 

A little honesty, a little kindness… and maybe a strong cup of tea.

#Leadership #FeedbackCulture #DifficultConversations #SchoolLeadership #TeacherDevelopment #ProfessionalGrowth #EffectiveCommunication #EducationLeadership