The Perils of Being Too Agreeable

Why the desire not to offend can stop us from speaking our minds.

I sometimes wonder how many people in meetings and everyday conversations nod in agreement when, deep down, they think quite differently. They listen, smile and endorse an idea, not because they agree, but because they do not want to offend the person putting it forward. They would rather keep their reservations to themselves than risk an awkward moment or being seen as argumentative.

There is nothing wrong with being considerate. But when does politeness come at the expense of honesty?

I have never believed in disagreeing simply to make a point. Equally, I do not believe that getting along with someone requires me to agree with everything they say. If I think something does not make sense, I would rather say so politely than sit through a meeting nodding and later wonder how we arrived at such a decision. I have been wrong, and I have changed my mind. But a sensible disagreement is far more useful than an agreement nobody really means.

Mind you, there is another kind of person altogether. We have all met them, at committee meetings, family gatherings or on the odd WhatsApp group. They disagree with everything, and not because they have thought about it. Fix the date and they want it a week later. Fix the venue and they know a better one. And if you finally say, “All right, let’s do it your way,” they look almost disappointed, because the argument was what they were enjoying. It has little to do with the idea and a great deal to do with being heard, and a healthy dose of self-importance usually comes along with it. I have scratched my head more than once and felt like saying, “Give us a break!”

But they are not who I am writing about. I am thinking of the quiet, thoughtful ones who keep a worthwhile view to themselves.

Many people have told me about meetings where everyone agrees, heads nod and nobody seems to disagree with anything! There is a term for this: groupthink, where the desire for consensus discourages independent thinking. Does everyone genuinely agree, or does nobody want to spoil the party? To be clear, none of this is about any one organisation. It is what I have heard people talk about, and what I have seen over a long career.

Years ago, I worked with a gentleman who taught me something about this. He was a very decent person, mature and sensible, with a sharp mind. In meetings he was polite, listened quietly and stayed non-committal. He never pretended to agree. But later he would come to see me and tell me, quite clearly, that he did not agree, and explain why. He never pushed me to change anything. He made his point and left the decision to me.

I admired him for it. He was not frightened to speak his mind, but he understood that a roomful of people is not always the place to tell someone they have got it wrong. So he found the midway. He did not embarrass me, and he did not stay silent. When I rethought the decision, as I often did, he was very often right.

He was also the first to say that this was the next best thing, and that it would have been better said in the room. That made me think. Perhaps I had not given him the opportunity. It was a lesson in leadership for me, to be a little softer and make it easier for people to speak. I wonder how many good ideas I missed from people who never came to see me afterwards.

I am not suggesting we challenge every decision or turn every meeting into a debating society. But there is a difference between choosing not to speak and being afraid to speak.

This is why I feel strongly about how we bring up our children. Many of us grew up hearing, “Children should be seen and not heard.” A child who asked why was quickly labelled cheeky. Thankfully, we have moved on. Today we make sure children speak out, debate and clarify their doubts, and all educators know that silencing a child for asking questions is a problem. Teach them to support their arguments and to recognise when someone else has made a better case. Changing your mind when presented with a convincing argument is not weakness. It shows you were listening. Respect for elders and teachers remains important, but it should never be confused with unquestioning agreement.

And when these children enter the workplace, I hope they carry that confidence with them. Listen to those with more experience, but do not assume seniority makes someone right, or that being junior means you have nothing to contribute. Humility is admirable; making yourself invisible is not.

I will not pretend this is easy, especially when the other person is senior. It takes courage, and while speaking up sounds straightforward in principle, putting it into practice can be quite another matter. Much depends on the person listening and how they respond. If speaking up in front of everyone is too difficult, do what my colleague did and approach the person afterwards. It is still better than saying nothing. You do not have to win every argument. But if you believe something needs to be said, say it thoughtfully and with good reason.

I would much rather be known as someone who can be reasoned with than someone who can be persuaded to agree with absolutely anything.

Being pleasant and being agreeable are not the same thing. You can respect people, value relationships and still have the courage to say, politely, “I don't quite agree.”