I am no Christopher Columbus , no Fridtjof Nansen, no Ibn Battutta either.
At times I am of the firm opinion that I was not born to travel - travel is indeed anathema to me .
Do I like to travel ? Yes - and that indeed is the unexplainable paradox !
Don't get me wrong - I like to travel but to be frank I enjoy the destination but literally detest the journey.
No I don't think that explanation carries weight .
It's not actually the journey but the build up that gets under my skin - that gets me all jittery and irritable and a trifle nervous as well . A trifle ? Give me a break !
When someone at a party walks in with a swagger, joins the conversation , talks with style , says he lives out of a suitcase for 20 days a month and has just flown in that very evening from Timbukto after visiting Belarus and never even had time to shave , I am ready to bow in reverence .
How do they do it ? These demi Gods of the skies need to get a star named after them .
Listen to one of my stories now and be the better judge .
I had to travel to India - to Delhi to be precise . It was a 3 day trip and should have been a breeze .
For me it was a hurricane. Thunder and lightening thrown in for effect .
Booking an online ticket was the first hurdle - this is easier said than done . There are umpteen flights and far too many airlines . Too many options confuse me. There were 207 flights from the UAE to Delhi . Its a 3 hour journey approximately for goodness sake so show me the best flights first .
However the first 30 options or so showed journeys which lasted anything between 18 and 30 hours in totality . There were 3 stop flights , 2 stop flights and one stop flights . They were mini whirl wind tours of India from the sky . You missed the dirt and the grime and the pollution as you were at airports and airports are cleaner than most cities . (At least most of them are till you visit the toilets ) You landed and took off till you were giddy and nauseous.
Pray where were the non stop flights? Should they have not been the first option?
Finally I got to the non stop flights .
After keying in many details I saw that the flights were full on the day I had decided to travel on . Murphy's law in play.
I start all over again and come to payment options . It says that they will send me a secret number via sms which I need to key in to verify payment . I wait and yes you guessed correctly - NO MESSAGE.
I take a break and an hour or so later I start all over again. Presto- the fares have increased by a 100 rupees . Now that's what I call ' making a fast buck'
Tickets booked finally and I heave a sigh of relief.
Lets cut to the chase . Packing is always fun . Depending on the weight the particular carrier allows . What do you take by way of clothes . My mind goes back to that demi God who " just threw some things into a duffel bag and was out of the house in a jiffy " I bow again. Pray fair Sir how do you do it ?
If you minus the weight of the suitcase itself and leave a kg or 2 for the faulty weighing scale at many airports , there aren't very many options . So I pack the minimum and hope against hope that it will suffice . The suitcase is opened , checked, weighed and closed any number of times - and this too , many hours before departure . OCD probably ? There is always something more to put in, something extra to take out and something to change . And then there are the keys - tiny key holes make it even worse.
Then- I must have something handy to wear in the hand luggage - what if my suitcase is lost ?
Then it's the ticket , the passport , the money , the pouch , the keys , the pen , the phones, the charger, the multi plugs, a book to read, the I pad , another charger...................
If it's an early morning flight I set two alarms because although I get up early on a regular basis , something tells me that on the day of the flight I may go into a stupor and wake late . I then get up a couple of times in the night to check the time and ensure that I have set the correct alarms and that things are not on silent mode or any such nonsense. You never know with these gadgets - they tend to play up at the most inopportune moments.
I then try in vain to hypnotize myself to sleep, to count sheep , chickens or whatever . When the alarms finally do go off I am already dressed.
Breakfast - no- it may upset my stomach . Who knows what a fried egg can do when its in the mood !
Will the taxi arrive - will the driver be on time . What is the car breaks down .
The luggage was put near the door the previous night - saving time in the morning !
I have never bathed faster. I usually have a shave the night before .
Am at the airport after having checked my ticket and passport umpteen times - don't want to risk leaving them at home do I ?
Don't want to land at the airport with the wrong passport either .
I also check my visa and passport expiry dates - just in case - you never know when they will expire and I will be stumped . I
If you thought this was stressful wait for the next steps.
I always - yes always get static electricity shocks from the trolley . Disgusting .
There is a long line of passengers waiting to check in . Why is everyone travelling just on this day . Why so many children as well . After what seems like eternity I am at the counter .
These counter guys and gals know how very important they are to us travelling mortals and they sure make the most of it .
Always worried about the weight of my luggage - have paid for excess quite often - but not when travelling alone so why the tension ? Don't ask me .
The luggage is weighed - it always seems to weigh a kilo or two more that what the weighing scale showed at home but no issues - still within limits . Sigh. Chuckle to myself- am learning to beat the system . No money to be paid.
The problem is in the next step - If I have not done an online check in then will I manage an isle seat- you see, I am claustrophobic and I just cannot sit anywhere else but in the aisle seat .
So I try to sound humble, simple , friendly etc I smile - it always works . No clue what I would do if it did not . "Mr Guzder- I have managed to give you an isle seat " The voice floats towards me on a cloud- I am in seventh heaven .
Now comes the dreaded Passport control- what if my name clashes with someone who has been blacklisted ? I know with the combination of my First and surname there is a very slim chance of this happening , but then one never knows - Murphy's law and all .............
I am asked to look into the camera - the man / woman at the counter does a double take - Is something wrong ? Do I resemble someone dangerous ? Is this the day I have been dreading - will I be taken away for interrogation ? Handcuffed . Who will I make a call to ?. I rack my brains and keep a name in mind .
Nothing of that happens - and I move on but I could have sworn that the person at the counter almost sent for a superior officer - just to make sure I was who the passport said I was !
Its now the body and hand luggage check .
I deposit every piece of metal on my person into my hand bag - watch , belt , mobiles , purse . Will they ask me to take off my chain - I hope not as I can't.
I spread my legs , raise my hands and try and look as un - threatening as possible. Surely the guy wont ask me to step aside . The ticket is stamped . I say thank you loud and clear . I breathe deeply .
I go through without a scratch but my bag seems to have vanished .
Then I see it coming- very slowly - then the guy pulls it back to check again . Oh My God - what have they found ?
Has someone slipped something into my luggage . Am I being framed . A knife ? Drugs? a large pair of scissors ? A gun ? Nail clippers !So this is it - the day I have dreaded all my life .
Everyone gets their hand luggage and moves on . I am told to open mine .
My mouth is dry - where the hell are the keys . I fumble - I sweat - I find the bunch of keys - which key is it - where are my spectacles - I find them and put them on - No no no- they are my distance ones.
Where are my reading glasses . I find them . Now where are the keys. I must not lose my ticket and passport in this confusion. Panic sets in .
I open the bag - my pressure has gone up - my heart beats fast . The guy asks me to empty my bag . He whispers something to a colleague . I struggle with the zip . They look at each other and at me .
I try and act casual and take everything out of the bag . Its worse if a lady is checking the contents - they nitpick even more .
I am asked to explain a small packet of Indian coins / why so many keys / a diary with a long pen - (maybe that was the tool I was going to use to hijack the plane ). Then yes- there are the nail cutters but they don't think I can do much harm with them and so they let them pass .
They find nothing - nevertheless I am asked to hand over my Ticket and passport and the details are noted . The ticket is stamped again .
I guess they have to do a thorough check of a certain number of passengers daily - I am usually one of them .
Maybe its the look on my face and the general anxiety . It shows.............
Its over - I am through. I go aside - back goes the wallet , the mobile phones etc etc etc . into my pockets . Have I forgotten anything .
Where in heavens name is that passport again . Its playing games with me for sure .
My ticket seems to have taken off without me and I panic - its Ok - its in the passport and in the side pocket . Who put it there ? Not me . Who cares - and all is well .
I have survived - the journey can begin .
I sail through the flight - the food- the drinks - the loo - the seat - the guy beside me who keeps dozing off on my shoulder .
I reach my destination - the whole procedure is reversed - Passport control , luggage scan , hand luggage scan .
Where is my ticket .
I have been asked strange questions though.
Where had I come from .
Why was I visiting this city .
When was I going back .
Where did I work . Was I travelling alone .
My bladder is bursting . My mouth is parched .
- then in the blink of any eye I am out and walking free .
I am safe and have lived to travel another day .
At times I am of the firm opinion that I was not born to travel - travel is indeed anathema to me .
Do I like to travel ? Yes - and that indeed is the unexplainable paradox !
Don't get me wrong - I like to travel but to be frank I enjoy the destination but literally detest the journey.
No I don't think that explanation carries weight .
It's not actually the journey but the build up that gets under my skin - that gets me all jittery and irritable and a trifle nervous as well . A trifle ? Give me a break !
When someone at a party walks in with a swagger, joins the conversation , talks with style , says he lives out of a suitcase for 20 days a month and has just flown in that very evening from Timbukto after visiting Belarus and never even had time to shave , I am ready to bow in reverence .
How do they do it ? These demi Gods of the skies need to get a star named after them .
Listen to one of my stories now and be the better judge .
I had to travel to India - to Delhi to be precise . It was a 3 day trip and should have been a breeze .
For me it was a hurricane. Thunder and lightening thrown in for effect .
Booking an online ticket was the first hurdle - this is easier said than done . There are umpteen flights and far too many airlines . Too many options confuse me. There were 207 flights from the UAE to Delhi . Its a 3 hour journey approximately for goodness sake so show me the best flights first .
However the first 30 options or so showed journeys which lasted anything between 18 and 30 hours in totality . There were 3 stop flights , 2 stop flights and one stop flights . They were mini whirl wind tours of India from the sky . You missed the dirt and the grime and the pollution as you were at airports and airports are cleaner than most cities . (At least most of them are till you visit the toilets ) You landed and took off till you were giddy and nauseous.
Pray where were the non stop flights? Should they have not been the first option?
Finally I got to the non stop flights .
After keying in many details I saw that the flights were full on the day I had decided to travel on . Murphy's law in play.
I start all over again and come to payment options . It says that they will send me a secret number via sms which I need to key in to verify payment . I wait and yes you guessed correctly - NO MESSAGE.
I take a break and an hour or so later I start all over again. Presto- the fares have increased by a 100 rupees . Now that's what I call ' making a fast buck'
Tickets booked finally and I heave a sigh of relief.
Lets cut to the chase . Packing is always fun . Depending on the weight the particular carrier allows . What do you take by way of clothes . My mind goes back to that demi God who " just threw some things into a duffel bag and was out of the house in a jiffy " I bow again. Pray fair Sir how do you do it ?
If you minus the weight of the suitcase itself and leave a kg or 2 for the faulty weighing scale at many airports , there aren't very many options . So I pack the minimum and hope against hope that it will suffice . The suitcase is opened , checked, weighed and closed any number of times - and this too , many hours before departure . OCD probably ? There is always something more to put in, something extra to take out and something to change . And then there are the keys - tiny key holes make it even worse.
Then- I must have something handy to wear in the hand luggage - what if my suitcase is lost ?
Then it's the ticket , the passport , the money , the pouch , the keys , the pen , the phones, the charger, the multi plugs, a book to read, the I pad , another charger...................
If it's an early morning flight I set two alarms because although I get up early on a regular basis , something tells me that on the day of the flight I may go into a stupor and wake late . I then get up a couple of times in the night to check the time and ensure that I have set the correct alarms and that things are not on silent mode or any such nonsense. You never know with these gadgets - they tend to play up at the most inopportune moments.
I then try in vain to hypnotize myself to sleep, to count sheep , chickens or whatever . When the alarms finally do go off I am already dressed.
Breakfast - no- it may upset my stomach . Who knows what a fried egg can do when its in the mood !
Will the taxi arrive - will the driver be on time . What is the car breaks down .
The luggage was put near the door the previous night - saving time in the morning !
I have never bathed faster. I usually have a shave the night before .
Am at the airport after having checked my ticket and passport umpteen times - don't want to risk leaving them at home do I ?
Don't want to land at the airport with the wrong passport either .
I also check my visa and passport expiry dates - just in case - you never know when they will expire and I will be stumped . I
If you thought this was stressful wait for the next steps.
I always - yes always get static electricity shocks from the trolley . Disgusting .
There is a long line of passengers waiting to check in . Why is everyone travelling just on this day . Why so many children as well . After what seems like eternity I am at the counter .
These counter guys and gals know how very important they are to us travelling mortals and they sure make the most of it .
Always worried about the weight of my luggage - have paid for excess quite often - but not when travelling alone so why the tension ? Don't ask me .
The luggage is weighed - it always seems to weigh a kilo or two more that what the weighing scale showed at home but no issues - still within limits . Sigh. Chuckle to myself- am learning to beat the system . No money to be paid.
The problem is in the next step - If I have not done an online check in then will I manage an isle seat- you see, I am claustrophobic and I just cannot sit anywhere else but in the aisle seat .
So I try to sound humble, simple , friendly etc I smile - it always works . No clue what I would do if it did not . "Mr Guzder- I have managed to give you an isle seat " The voice floats towards me on a cloud- I am in seventh heaven .
Now comes the dreaded Passport control- what if my name clashes with someone who has been blacklisted ? I know with the combination of my First and surname there is a very slim chance of this happening , but then one never knows - Murphy's law and all .............
I am asked to look into the camera - the man / woman at the counter does a double take - Is something wrong ? Do I resemble someone dangerous ? Is this the day I have been dreading - will I be taken away for interrogation ? Handcuffed . Who will I make a call to ?. I rack my brains and keep a name in mind .
Nothing of that happens - and I move on but I could have sworn that the person at the counter almost sent for a superior officer - just to make sure I was who the passport said I was !
Its now the body and hand luggage check .
I deposit every piece of metal on my person into my hand bag - watch , belt , mobiles , purse . Will they ask me to take off my chain - I hope not as I can't.
I spread my legs , raise my hands and try and look as un - threatening as possible. Surely the guy wont ask me to step aside . The ticket is stamped . I say thank you loud and clear . I breathe deeply .
I go through without a scratch but my bag seems to have vanished .
Then I see it coming- very slowly - then the guy pulls it back to check again . Oh My God - what have they found ?
Has someone slipped something into my luggage . Am I being framed . A knife ? Drugs? a large pair of scissors ? A gun ? Nail clippers !So this is it - the day I have dreaded all my life .
Everyone gets their hand luggage and moves on . I am told to open mine .
My mouth is dry - where the hell are the keys . I fumble - I sweat - I find the bunch of keys - which key is it - where are my spectacles - I find them and put them on - No no no- they are my distance ones.
Where are my reading glasses . I find them . Now where are the keys. I must not lose my ticket and passport in this confusion. Panic sets in .
I open the bag - my pressure has gone up - my heart beats fast . The guy asks me to empty my bag . He whispers something to a colleague . I struggle with the zip . They look at each other and at me .
I try and act casual and take everything out of the bag . Its worse if a lady is checking the contents - they nitpick even more .
I am asked to explain a small packet of Indian coins / why so many keys / a diary with a long pen - (maybe that was the tool I was going to use to hijack the plane ). Then yes- there are the nail cutters but they don't think I can do much harm with them and so they let them pass .
They find nothing - nevertheless I am asked to hand over my Ticket and passport and the details are noted . The ticket is stamped again .
I guess they have to do a thorough check of a certain number of passengers daily - I am usually one of them .
Maybe its the look on my face and the general anxiety . It shows.............
Its over - I am through. I go aside - back goes the wallet , the mobile phones etc etc etc . into my pockets . Have I forgotten anything .
Where in heavens name is that passport again . Its playing games with me for sure .
My ticket seems to have taken off without me and I panic - its Ok - its in the passport and in the side pocket . Who put it there ? Not me . Who cares - and all is well .
I have survived - the journey can begin .
I sail through the flight - the food- the drinks - the loo - the seat - the guy beside me who keeps dozing off on my shoulder .
I reach my destination - the whole procedure is reversed - Passport control , luggage scan , hand luggage scan .
Where is my ticket .
I have been asked strange questions though.
Where had I come from .
Why was I visiting this city .
When was I going back .
Where did I work . Was I travelling alone .
My bladder is bursting . My mouth is parched .
- then in the blink of any eye I am out and walking free .
I am safe and have lived to travel another day .
