A brilliant weekend until the bird arrived

 A Brilliant Weekend… Until the Bird Arrived

This morning felt different. It’s the weekend, the weather is finally cool and brilliant, and I woke up feeling unusually cheerful. The wife was still asleep, so I shuffled out — gracefully, for someone bordering on senile. Not quite Shakespeare’s “lean and slipper’d pantaloon” age, but certainly strolling in that direction.

I made myself a steaming cup of Lipton tea, my faithful favourite, and stepped into the garden like a man entering a private wellness retreat. I chose a comfortable chair and settled in, admiring the flowers and the trees we’d planted over the years. The air was so fresh it felt like I was inhaling premium-grade oxygen. Summer was finally behind us, and I told myself I should do this more often.

Yes, I missed the newspapers a bit, but I was already making plans for the day — sensible, age-appropriate plans. No, not ziplining across a canyon or hiking up a mountain or doing anything that involves signing a waiver. At my stage in life, excitement is gentler: giving my white shirts a proper wash, buying some plants, and maybe a few solar lights. Truly thrilling stuff.

And then came the moment of cosmic comedy.

A lone bird — one bird in the entire UAE, with billions of square metres of empty sky — decided to make me its chosen target. Why me? What was going through that tiny feathery mind? Did it hover above, weighing its options? “Palm tree? No. Wall? No. Wait… that man sipping tea with a cat at his feet — yes, him.”

My cat glanced up at me as if to say, “You do realise you’re sitting under the express lane?”

And then: plop — the bird deposited its droppings on me with sniper-level accuracy. Head and shoulder. A perfect strike.

Superstition insists this is good luck.

If so, I’m due for an extraordinary weekend — right after a long, soap-heavy shower.